Monday, January 26, 2009

Keep your house clean and your mouth dirty

Quick, what's the fastest way to hiring a housecleaner? Tell your man it's his turn to clean. I've cleaned the ----ing house about twenty times in a row. It's time for everyone else in the family to get busy. After ten minutes and a wrestling match with our ----ing 1950 Electrolux, Brian was livid. Feel my pain, Mister! I told him I'd pole dance to make the extra money to hire our awesome Brazilian dancer/housecleaner. No, really. He's a Brazilian dancer, and I LOVE HIM.

See, here's the deal. When I was a teenager, I cleaned houses for extra money. Lots of houses. Rich people's houses. Lazy people's houses. Dog houses. Now I'm done, people. I've got two businesses to run, two little kids and dinner to make. So does everyone else in America. Why should I be the only one who keeps the house clean? "House Cleaning" is officially getting filed under "Utilities." Now all I want to worry about is keeping my dirty --s mouth clean around the kids. When I'm with my people, I'll cuss all I ----ing want.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Create your highest future. But first, get a ladder.

Ever have those dreams when you're precariously on the edge of a building? Your choice is fall or trust that the creepy circus clown standing at the building will pull you to safety. Okay, just me then. Plenty of people are afraid of heights though. So if Obama says it's up to us to build a bigger, better future, better go to Sears for a ladder.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Let your emotions flow, then beer

It's Friday. Finally, after surviving the first official full week around here. So I say dump out your worker angst and refill your glass with a cold one. Have a swell weekend.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Receive a soul message, then dump out your inbox

Not that you're supposed to ignore messages from the universe; but darn it, they take up memory. Already this year I got a big one: Do stand-up comedy. That's a totally strange message, considering that I once earned 95 cents after an entire year of performing. But I do thrive on making people laugh.

So I'm working with Airplay Cafe (701 E. Burnside, Portland) on TIME OUT: THE MAMALOGUES, a show just for moms. So far, we've reeled in some awesome talent: 

- Sharon Lacey (A-list comic/
- Betsy Kauffman (comic and former KEX radio personality)
- Sharon Wood Wortman (author of The Portland Bridge Book and one-woman show "Bridge Stories")
- Tara Dublin (self-proclaimed "Durannie" and morning show host at WNRK 94.7)

Still hoping Gert Boyle, "One Tough Mother," will join us. Tickets are available via If you're a mom, email to take the stage. If you're a dad, attend at your own risk.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Create wealth, but beware of jail time.

Seems like this time of year, everyone wonders, How can I make more money? Ironically, you never hear people answer, Uh, work. Last year, I went with the philosophies proposed in The Secret. That is, envision yourself as the person you want to be. You know, the one with a nice paycheck. I started living the dream. For me, that meant replacing leotards with the snap-tabbed crotch I bought in the '80s with cotton shirts from Old Navy. My standards aren't exactly fashion-forward. The results really surprised me. Instead of "attracting wealth," I ran up $7,000 on my credit card. To my defense, most of the expenses were business-related. But still, my guilt accrued daily. So I paid the thing off and cut it up. The other day, the "Law of Attraction" sent me a new credit card. I hid it from myself and vowed to become Quaker. Apparently, the Quakers don't believe in debt. As far as I know, they do use electricity, so I'll go with that for this year.