Be the change, and make it underwear.

Don't tell anyone, but I am the worst shopper in the history of mall shopping. To avoid it, I hit the internet, where my "Shopping Cart" drifted off somewhere and was no doubt taken to the checkout by someone else. So I had to start over. Rolling through the underwear department, I noticed the choices are dangerously slim for someone like me who is no longer single digit. Thong? Wrong. Boy? Right. I'd look like a manatee squeezing into a sausage casing. Come on, people. Work with me, the former gymnast mourning the loss of an hourglass figure gone hour-long buffet. Bikini low? How about Bikini-High-Gut-Tuck?