Receive a soul message, then dump out your inbox

Not that you're supposed to ignore messages from the universe; but darn it, they take up memory. Already this year I got a big one: Do stand-up comedy. That's a totally strange message, considering that I once earned 95 cents after an entire year of performing. But I do thrive on making people laugh.

So I'm working with Airplay Cafe (701 E. Burnside, Portland) on TIME OUT: THE MAMALOGUES, a show just for moms. So far, we've reeled in some awesome talent: 

- Sharon Lacey (A-list comic/www.sharonlaceycomedy.com)

- Betsy Kauffman (comic and former KEX radio personality)

- Sharon Wood Wortman (author of The Portland Bridge Book and one-woman show "Bridge Stories")

- Tara Dublin (self-proclaimed "Durannie" and morning show host at WNRK 94.7)

Still hoping Gert Boyle, "One Tough Mother," will join us. Tickets are available via www.brownpapertickets.com. If you're a mom, email jsturkie@gmail.com to take the stage. If you're a dad, attend at your own risk.

Create wealth, but beware of jail time.

Seems like this time of year, everyone wonders, How can I make more money? Ironically, you never hear people answer, Uh, work. Last year, I went with the philosophies proposed in The Secret. That is, envision yourself as the person you want to be. You know, the one with a nice paycheck. I started living the dream. For me, that meant replacing leotards with the snap-tabbed crotch I bought in the '80s with cotton shirts from Old Navy. My standards aren't exactly fashion-forward. The results really surprised me. Instead of "attracting wealth," I ran up $7,000 on my credit card. To my defense, most of the expenses were business-related. But still, my guilt accrued daily. So I paid the thing off and cut it up. The other day, the "Law of Attraction" sent me a new credit card. I hid it from myself and vowed to become Quaker. Apparently, the Quakers don't believe in debt. As far as I know, they do use electricity, so I'll go with that for this year.

Release the past, but put a leash on it before it bites someone.

Yeah, yeah, it's that time of the year when you're supposed to evaluate what you're doing wrong so you can get it right next year. Well, good luck with that. I'm resolving NOT to resolve anything this year. Am I in the best shape? If I lie flat on the ground, I am. That's one instance when gravity is your friend. Did I save money? Hell no. The upside is when you don't put much into investments and they tank, you're not that bad off. Score: One, me. Zero, loss. Is my home as well organized as a RealSimple photo spread? Here's the problem: When things go in baskets, you can't find anything. So forget that. My vote is to accept life as it is, and have the happiest New Year's ever. 

Awaken your inner shovel.

We've hit a snowfall record in Portland, Oregon at 15" of snow. It's that time of year when you're supposed to clear out all your crap anyway. So, get shoveling. Better yet, make this cocktail from the most excellent book, Atomic Cocktail (Chronicle Books) by Karen Brooks, Gideon Bosker and Reed Darmon:

Havana Moon Tea

1 tea bag orange pekoe tea

2/3 C boiling water

2 tsp. fresh lime juice

2 tsp. dark brown sugar

1/4C rum

1 fresh mint sprig

Make the tea. In a small bowl, combine the lime juice, brown sugar and rum. Stir until the sugar dissolves. Strain the tea into a large mug and stir in the rum mixture. Garnish with the mint. 

You will LOVE it. Swear. Have a Merry Christmas, and thanks for reading a blog about absolutely nothing.

Be the change, and make it underwear.

Don't tell anyone, but I am the worst shopper in the history of mall shopping. To avoid it, I hit the internet, where my "Shopping Cart" drifted off somewhere and was no doubt taken to the checkout by someone else. So I had to start over. Rolling through the underwear department, I noticed the choices are dangerously slim for someone like me who is no longer single digit. Thong? Wrong. Boy? Right. I'd look like a manatee squeezing into a sausage casing. Come on, people. Work with me, the former gymnast mourning the loss of an hourglass figure gone hour-long buffet. Bikini low? How about Bikini-High-Gut-Tuck?

Use your life for good purpose, if not for no good reason.

Last night, I did stand up at Airplay Cafe (E. Burnside in Portland) for the first time in over a decade. My friend Gary asked me if it was like riding a bike. Yep, it was. I feel like my "purpose" is to make people laugh, intentionally. Most of the time, I do that unintentionally. I was the only comic at open mic - everyone else played guitar - very well. So if I sucked, at least it wouldn't be by comparison. The last time I did comedy, the "stage" was an flour-covered concrete floor in a pizza parlor in front of five guys who only spoke Spanish. The fact that everyone last night understood English turned out to be a huge plus. 

Look radiant even if you feel radial.

Sturkies find going to the store this time of year challenging. Here's how it goes at the deli counter:

Me: "Hi, I'm here to pick up my turkey."

Deli guy: "Last name?"

Me: "Sturkie."

Deli guy: "You're kidding, right?"

Me: "No, I'm here to pick up my turkey for Sturkie."

Deli guy: (Collapses behind counter laughing) "Mind if I put this over the loud speaker?"

This year, I've skirted the "turkey for Sturkie" issue and pulled a ready made ham out of the cooler. So there! That's one less tradition we have to worry about. Hope you enjoy all your traditions. Have a swell Thanksgiving!